Yeah, the name has changed. I've decided that right now, modeling probably won't work out like I want it to. I'm really nervous and afraid of what the big dogs will say. Yeah, I'm still planning the trip to cali to audition for Ford Models, but decided to give up the blog for modeling in particular. It will just be my rants and raves and a feeeeeewwwww tidbits from my personal life. Noone fucking reads this anyways. So it will be like a clossssse friend whom I can call out to, write/type out to tell them my deepest darkest secrets.
With that said.... I shall begin.
I love him, no matter how much I hate that fact, I love him. Why? I couldn't answer that if I was given a million dollars and the family I've always wanted to do so. I do shit for him that I wouldn't DARE let anyone else do nor do I enjoy it. I love when I'm able to help HIM out so that maybe one day, he will turn around and tell me he loves me. It's fucking crazy as hell! I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe I'm going crazy, and maybe I'm just becoming soft or like puddy in his hands. I have a sore throat, I can't relate it to anything else. My left shoulder hurts from the previous accident, resurfaced by the night WE had. My head hurts, my stomach is turning. I feel like taking one of the left over meds I have to stop all this pain. But I'm scared, my stomach seems like it's grown a little and it hurts to lie on my stomach and it feels really funny to lie on my left side(these are the two most comfortable postions to sleep in, usually). Sometimes I feel very weak movement, but it could be my imagination. I took a test when I speculated that pregnancy was a possibility... negative.
Then I began to worry like it was a more serious condition. I gave attention back to having a cyst or had formed cervical cancer. I had a pap smear(what a disgusting term) and it came out abnormal. Meaning that I could have polyps or HPV which could turn into cervical cancer. I felt like it was growing, that it's too late for surgery or modern medicine. I developed a different eating habit... I eat Krystal burgers. I know you're saying "You and everyone else!" but I'm saying, I'm a fucking vegetarian! I have been for 2 years, red meats,and poltry make me sick, even when I wasn't vegetarian. But for some reason Krystals has no effect and the more I eat it, the more I crave it. I also crave soda, which I hate. I hate the painful fizzing it causes in my ears and throat, I hate all the sugar it contains(too much sugar makes me really sick). So I can't put my finger on what the hell is up?! I went to the dr. not a full physical but I just had some questions and they answered it's nothing, but you may want to have another pap. I am very uncomfortable with it, but it seems the only way to lay my worries to rest. Speaking of rest, I sleep more than usual. Right now, I'm forcing myself to stay awake to write this.
I have some much debt and so many worries. I don't want to think of having anything else added to my plate. I'm only 23 years old, and I'm already headed down a bad path. I have to stop it before it's too late...
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