The Possibly Married Navy Guy

You're "connected",he knows what to say when you need it. "I feel fat",you say,but you don't really feel that way, you just want to see the reaction because he's a suspicious and sneaky one you've been with for 6 months,"turn around. No you're not fat",he says and gives you this honest look with those heart-melting brown eyes. You worked together,you and a friend of yours and a slight friend of his who sort of hooked you guys up go on break together,you see him,talking to a woman,doesn't look like she could be his sister or any relative,there's a little girl behind the woman sort of playing in her own world,you think you see them hug,you turn your head because you don't want to find out. You already feel so strongly about this guy that you don't want your suspicions to turn out true. You delete his number from your phone, force yourself never to call him again. You walk right past him at work and don't say a word for 4 days straight,you don't even have eye contact anymore with him. Later,you get a text,"are you mad at me?". "Yes,I am" you tell him. But you really really like this guy and you don't even mention the girl when he somehow swoons you back to him. You really don't have many friends and he knows that,so he knows how to make you feel special. Halloween night,you guys hang out,you get drunk and don't remember 90% of what happened that night. Your memory is mostly jogged by remembering a few things and reading your sent and recieved texts of that night. You remember saying you two shouldn't talk anymore and you don't remember anything after or slightly before that, you remember him checking you two into a hotel and having a steamy redenvous,but the room doesn't really spark any suspicions since his alibi is that he lives on the ship,and that's normal being someone who's in the navy and not from your town. You met one apparent friend he has when you two went to his house only to have the friend fall asleep and you sneak off into another room. One of the red flags is when you two are together,there's always sex involved and you never point out the fact to him or yourself that it feels like there's a time limit on it until now when you're left crying early in the crack of dawn. You remember some other things from Halloween night as well,that a few hotels you tried and came up with nothing one time you went inside and it felt like he was upset that you had. But you're drunk so you really can't add it up.You remember before the hotel you constantly asked if he was married,but you don't remember if he answered you,so you don't bring it up later when you're fully aware. You also remember,I knwo this is graphic, a pink discharge after heavy and drunk sex and then having an unusually heavy period 2 days later. You read that you texted that you need him,but the next day and a few days in a row he says that you told him that you love him. Of course,you don't remember that, and you hope that he doesn't accept that on the count of you being under the influence even though that's how you really feel. but you don't want him to know that yet. You guys have a great time just riding around in the car with each other,making each other laugh,and the sex,ohh the sex is amazing minus the invisible time limit. You always meet up close to the same time and leave each other around the same time any night you're together,which isn't every night. You never go out to a public place and the only times you felt like it was legitimate was the one time during the day,you told him to follow you home from work so that he knows where to pick you up later. And the one time at work where he'd asked you to pick up a burger for him and people at work saw you give it to him and see the way you are always talking to each other. Though,they probably have no idea about his private life outside of you. He always assures you that there's noone else when you're joking about him being with someone else or having this secret life.

Sometimes you two don't have contact for 3 or 4 days straight,you blow it off that he's busy training because he's supposed to be sent to Afghanistan at some point,but he's still here for some reason. You also blow that off as training. He goes to Kansas,but still contacts you,letting you know it's training,he wishes he was there where you are and tells you that and now you're really feeling it. One night,you feel suspicious again and he floors you with a phrase you thought you'd never hear coming from him."I love you." You don't know what to say because you're in shock,in awe,so you stupidly say "ok". And you guys hang up. You text him after you realize what he probably wanted to hear,"I love you too,but only if you really mean that and you'll never hurt me". It's 2am by that time and he said he needed to go to sleep,but he calls you back and says,"what are you talking about?" You say,"Nothing,go to sleep" as you're blushing because of his tone of voice,it seems he's happy you said,err,texted that to him. So it's coming up on a year since you two have been seeing each other. You still keep the fact that you saw something incriminating because now,you have blindly fallen in love. Not because he takes you in to public places,but because you feel a strange connection to him,you're starting to feel sick,frequent restroom trips,subtle weight gain,shortness of breath,tiredness,trouble actually falling asleep,and you're at least 3 days late. Pregnant? You don't know yet because you're waiting it out. You're usually in good health and these conditions aside of breast tenderness and cramping are not normal for you.

You wake at 5am because now for some reason, that girl and that woman and who you feel is your man is the image burned into your dreams,you wake and cry just a little. You drift back to sleep and dream yourself next to your best friend's headstone,you're crying in the dream because she's the one person who could really give you good advice. You ask her,"Why can't guys be honest to a woman who is nothing but honest to him"? You're awakened to tears flowing from your eyes,you're crying even harder now because you miss her so much. One night,you bring up the fact that your friend passed away by simply saying,"I haven't visited my friend for a while" he asks,"where is she?" "In greenlawn" you say, "what is that?" he asks,"it's a cemetary right down the road,Greenlawn cemetary" you reply. Now he knows you've lost someone probably really close,even though you know you two were like sisters. She's been gone for 4 years now,but he doesn't know how long and you're not sure if you want him to know how close you were,and it sounds awkward even thinking like that. Because anyone who wins your heart,you want him to know about the one person who was always on your mind and in your heart.

You look back at the navy guys you were with before,one,you were already friends with his friends before you two really met. You were never in your mind an item,but you liked him a little,you didn't like him enough to not do what you felt like doing, you guys were always together when he was in town and the only time you were apart was because of a so-called friend blurting out the fact that you had oral with a friend when he left. You didn't feel the sense of urgency to tell him because you barley knew each other and you didn't feel like there was a real connection until his reaction to the fact. He got another girl which didn't bother you at all,the only thing that got under your skin was the fact that he didn't even want to remain friends and talk to you. Another,you met at your favorite coffeeshop,you hung out a lot,you actually spent the night on base with him after a few failed attempts to find a room on base that was vacant,it was nice just hanging out there because you'd never been there. Maybe once but not where you were. The other,the first, you came to his apartment,he always picked you up around 4am,you stayed until 12pm or 1pm usually because you had work that day once you stayed a bit later. His apartment is male-ish and the bed is too small for a couple,you know he's not married simply because you were with him when he was in a totally bigger place,a house in fact and that was his roomate and he had his on bedroom with the same exact bed. You watched movies together every night you're together which was quite often sometimes not,to wake with your favorites at the time,morning sex, pizza,and coke,in that order.

So you don't have a landline phone to reach him at. He lives on the ship! No address? He lives on the ship! Never been to his place? He lives on the ship! A diffrent car in the beginning,it's a friend's but now it's just that you're in what you assume is his car since he reffers to it as "his baby". He has a picture of a little girl on his dash but you're too embarrassed to ask or you feel like you're prying. The woman you saw him with,you're trying to figure out how to confront him with it as to not sound jealous. You figure it all out,and next time you're together,you ask. What happens? You'll just have to find out when you ask.


This is really my life in first person.I haven't asked him the questions on my mind,and I'm really worried about my body. I'm worried about my mental state as well,because I feel like if I am pregnant from that one time we drifted off but stopped before anything further,I wouldn't tell him. I don't know exactly why but I feel like if he's really living some secret life separate from me,he doesn't deserve either of us.

Making changes in the world BABY STEPS

I've decided that I'm going to spend about 15% of my life making little changes around this world as I see fit at the moment. Starting with POGO. For those who participate and enter the drawings know that they send stinging emails basicly saying "You didn't win,but check out this lucky bastard that won instead of you!" That email that says you're not a winner,but this bitch that doesn't need the money as much as you do did! Pisses me off everytime I get that message. So I sent them a reply saying,"I don't think we should recieve emails if we're not a winner. It doesn't make me want to play any more when I see that I still can't win anything". Simple? Yes. Will it be heard? I don't know,we will see.

Another move would be this little number I posted on youtube.

The bottom line was to clear Stickam of the idiots around there. My next move,I'm not sure of. I want it to be a step bigger but not too much to take on right now until most of my present demands have been met.

MY STICKAM
MY YOUTUBE

I can't do it...

I can't be in love wit 2 people. It's not possible. I'm trying to move on and be with Trav, but somehow I keep ending up back with "VINCE JACKSON". I can't stay away from him no matter how hard I try or how many times I tell myself I'm through with him. The last time we were together I told him that I didn't think we should talk anymore. That was a mistake and I need to tell him that. I feel like I SHOULD be with him because everything is keeping me from being with Trav. The distance, te situations changing... Everytime I get closer, I'm further away. So maybe the reason is because I'm supposed to be with "VINCE JACKSON". I can't reveal his real name because I'm not sure that it's safe to. Even though I think noone reads this stuff, I can't be too careful.

I need him right now...

Lazy Lover...

So I decided to give him another try. The absolute love of my life. I tried to move on but I need to be there for him. I can't run away at a time when he really needs someone. I'm a little worried though since I haven't talked to him today. Last night was very scary and I hope he's ok.

So, I'm still catching up on Heroes and not working. This is b.s. they're not giving me hours nor can I get some in another department like I have been for a while. So all I have left is to sit at home on my fucking thumbs hoping that I get this new job at New York & Co. It looks like I have a chance but we never know. I'm pissed that I can't work and I'm going to starve to death and probably get really deep in debt if I'm not working somewhere. My graphics design really isn't coming through for me so I need a steady job or some form of income to keep myself alive. Try one of the ads on here to help me out, most of them help you too. I'm working on figuring out how to make this site better so hang in there with me.

Here's a pic of my love doing one thing he does best...

it's how it looks...

Yeah, the name has changed. I've decided that right now, modeling probably won't work out like I want it to. I'm really nervous and afraid of what the big dogs will say. Yeah, I'm still planning the trip to cali to audition for Ford Models, but decided to give up the blog for modeling in particular. It will just be my rants and raves and a feeeeeewwwww tidbits from my personal life. Noone fucking reads this anyways. So it will be like a clossssse friend whom I can call out to, write/type out to tell them my deepest darkest secrets.

With that said.... I shall begin.

I love him, no matter how much I hate that fact, I love him. Why? I couldn't answer that if I was given a million dollars and the family I've always wanted to do so. I do shit for him that I wouldn't DARE let anyone else do nor do I enjoy it. I love when I'm able to help HIM out so that maybe one day, he will turn around and tell me he loves me. It's fucking crazy as hell! I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe I'm going crazy, and maybe I'm just becoming soft or like puddy in his hands. I have a sore throat, I can't relate it to anything else. My left shoulder hurts from the previous accident, resurfaced by the night WE had. My head hurts, my stomach is turning. I feel like taking one of the left over meds I have to stop all this pain. But I'm scared, my stomach seems like it's grown a little and it hurts to lie on my stomach and it feels really funny to lie on my left side(these are the two most comfortable postions to sleep in, usually). Sometimes I feel very weak movement, but it could be my imagination. I took a test when I speculated that pregnancy was a possibility... negative.

Then I began to worry like it was a more serious condition. I gave attention back to having a cyst or had formed cervical cancer. I had a pap smear(what a disgusting term) and it came out abnormal. Meaning that I could have polyps or HPV which could turn into cervical cancer. I felt like it was growing, that it's too late for surgery or modern medicine. I developed a different eating habit... I eat Krystal burgers. I know you're saying "You and everyone else!" but I'm saying, I'm a fucking vegetarian! I have been for 2 years, red meats,and poltry make me sick, even when I wasn't vegetarian. But for some reason Krystals has no effect and the more I eat it, the more I crave it. I also crave soda, which I hate. I hate the painful fizzing it causes in my ears and throat, I hate all the sugar it contains(too much sugar makes me really sick). So I can't put my finger on what the hell is up?! I went to the dr. not a full physical but I just had some questions and they answered it's nothing, but you may want to have another pap. I am very uncomfortable with it, but it seems the only way to lay my worries to rest. Speaking of rest, I sleep more than usual. Right now, I'm forcing myself to stay awake to write this.

I have some much debt and so many worries. I don't want to think of having anything else added to my plate. I'm only 23 years old, and I'm already headed down a bad path. I have to stop it before it's too late...

it's a love whilrpool...

Work has really been kicking my ass latley. I'm working 40 hrs from 7am to 3:30pm! GOOOOOOD GREIF~_~

Happier news, my boyfriend is moving to Florida and I'm going to an arts and music Festival in November with him :) I'm fed up with like 90% of my friends because whenever I plan something they don't even budge to come out but when they plan something, they expect me to come running? Come on now, how stupid would I look?

On a creative tip, I'm relaunching miserymeat.com, urbanhues.com, and starting lohacosmetics.com. Misery Meat was my sort of mixed blog but I'm not sure if I want to continue with that since I already have a mixed subject blog right here. Urban Hues is my website and graphics design company which means I will be doing that once again. I'm really excited. Loha' Cosmetics is my cosmetics line that I started a few months ago. I just haven't had the time to cook up any makeup but soon, VERY soon.

That's about it for now, hope everyone is having a lovley rest of the summer season and is ready for Fall as I am!

How many idiots does it take to break a heart?

Not very many.

Well here are some hilarities from this past weekends bday party of hilariously drunken ME.