You're "connected",he knows what to say when you need it. "I feel fat",you say,but you don't really feel that way, you just want to see the reaction because he's a suspicious and sneaky one you've been with for 6 months,"turn around. No you're not fat",he says and gives you this honest look with those heart-melting brown eyes. You worked together,you and a friend of yours and a slight friend of his who sort of hooked you guys up go on break together,you see him,talking to a woman,doesn't look like she could be his sister or any relative,there's a little girl behind the woman sort of playing in her own world,you think you see them hug,you turn your head because you don't want to find out. You already feel so strongly about this guy that you don't want your suspicions to turn out true. You delete his number from your phone, force yourself never to call him again. You walk right past him at work and don't say a word for 4 days straight,you don't even have eye contact anymore with him. Later,you get a text,"are you mad at me?". "Yes,I am" you tell him. But you really really like this guy and you don't even mention the girl when he somehow swoons you back to him. You really don't have many friends and he knows that,so he knows how to make you feel special. Halloween night,you guys hang out,you get drunk and don't remember 90% of what happened that night. Your memory is mostly jogged by remembering a few things and reading your sent and recieved texts of that night. You remember saying you two shouldn't talk anymore and you don't remember anything after or slightly before that, you remember him checking you two into a hotel and having a steamy redenvous,but the room doesn't really spark any suspicions since his alibi is that he lives on the ship,and that's normal being someone who's in the navy and not from your town. You met one apparent friend he has when you two went to his house only to have the friend fall asleep and you sneak off into another room. One of the red flags is when you two are together,there's always sex involved and you never point out the fact to him or yourself that it feels like there's a time limit on it until now when you're left crying early in the crack of dawn. You remember some other things from Halloween night as well,that a few hotels you tried and came up with nothing one time you went inside and it felt like he was upset that you had. But you're drunk so you really can't add it up.You remember before the hotel you constantly asked if he was married,but you don't remember if he answered you,so you don't bring it up later when you're fully aware. You also remember,I knwo this is graphic, a pink discharge after heavy and drunk sex and then having an unusually heavy period 2 days later. You read that you texted that you need him,but the next day and a few days in a row he says that you told him that you love him. Of course,you don't remember that, and you hope that he doesn't accept that on the count of you being under the influence even though that's how you really feel. but you don't want him to know that yet. You guys have a great time just riding around in the car with each other,making each other laugh,and the sex,ohh the sex is amazing minus the invisible time limit. You always meet up close to the same time and leave each other around the same time any night you're together,which isn't every night. You never go out to a public place and the only times you felt like it was legitimate was the one time during the day,you told him to follow you home from work so that he knows where to pick you up later. And the one time at work where he'd asked you to pick up a burger for him and people at work saw you give it to him and see the way you are always talking to each other. Though,they probably have no idea about his private life outside of you. He always assures you that there's noone else when you're joking about him being with someone else or having this secret life.
Sometimes you two don't have contact for 3 or 4 days straight,you blow it off that he's busy training because he's supposed to be sent to Afghanistan at some point,but he's still here for some reason. You also blow that off as training. He goes to Kansas,but still contacts you,letting you know it's training,he wishes he was there where you are and tells you that and now you're really feeling it. One night,you feel suspicious again and he floors you with a phrase you thought you'd never hear coming from him."I love you." You don't know what to say because you're in shock,in awe,so you stupidly say "ok". And you guys hang up. You text him after you realize what he probably wanted to hear,"I love you too,but only if you really mean that and you'll never hurt me". It's 2am by that time and he said he needed to go to sleep,but he calls you back and says,"what are you talking about?" You say,"Nothing,go to sleep" as you're blushing because of his tone of voice,it seems he's happy you said,err,texted that to him. So it's coming up on a year since you two have been seeing each other. You still keep the fact that you saw something incriminating because now,you have blindly fallen in love. Not because he takes you in to public places,but because you feel a strange connection to him,you're starting to feel sick,frequent restroom trips,subtle weight gain,shortness of breath,tiredness,trouble actually falling asleep,and you're at least 3 days late. Pregnant? You don't know yet because you're waiting it out. You're usually in good health and these conditions aside of breast tenderness and cramping are not normal for you.
You wake at 5am because now for some reason, that girl and that woman and who you feel is your man is the image burned into your dreams,you wake and cry just a little. You drift back to sleep and dream yourself next to your best friend's headstone,you're crying in the dream because she's the one person who could really give you good advice. You ask her,"Why can't guys be honest to a woman who is nothing but honest to him"? You're awakened to tears flowing from your eyes,you're crying even harder now because you miss her so much. One night,you bring up the fact that your friend passed away by simply saying,"I haven't visited my friend for a while" he asks,"where is she?" "In greenlawn" you say, "what is that?" he asks,"it's a cemetary right down the road,Greenlawn cemetary" you reply. Now he knows you've lost someone probably really close,even though you know you two were like sisters. She's been gone for 4 years now,but he doesn't know how long and you're not sure if you want him to know how close you were,and it sounds awkward even thinking like that. Because anyone who wins your heart,you want him to know about the one person who was always on your mind and in your heart.
You look back at the navy guys you were with before,one,you were already friends with his friends before you two really met. You were never in your mind an item,but you liked him a little,you didn't like him enough to not do what you felt like doing, you guys were always together when he was in town and the only time you were apart was because of a so-called friend blurting out the fact that you had oral with a friend when he left. You didn't feel the sense of urgency to tell him because you barley knew each other and you didn't feel like there was a real connection until his reaction to the fact. He got another girl which didn't bother you at all,the only thing that got under your skin was the fact that he didn't even want to remain friends and talk to you. Another,you met at your favorite coffeeshop,you hung out a lot,you actually spent the night on base with him after a few failed attempts to find a room on base that was vacant,it was nice just hanging out there because you'd never been there. Maybe once but not where you were. The other,the first, you came to his apartment,he always picked you up around 4am,you stayed until 12pm or 1pm usually because you had work that day once you stayed a bit later. His apartment is male-ish and the bed is too small for a couple,you know he's not married simply because you were with him when he was in a totally bigger place,a house in fact and that was his roomate and he had his on bedroom with the same exact bed. You watched movies together every night you're together which was quite often sometimes not,to wake with your favorites at the time,morning sex, pizza,and coke,in that order.
So you don't have a landline phone to reach him at. He lives on the ship! No address? He lives on the ship! Never been to his place? He lives on the ship! A diffrent car in the beginning,it's a friend's but now it's just that you're in what you assume is his car since he reffers to it as "his baby". He has a picture of a little girl on his dash but you're too embarrassed to ask or you feel like you're prying. The woman you saw him with,you're trying to figure out how to confront him with it as to not sound jealous. You figure it all out,and next time you're together,you ask. What happens? You'll just have to find out when you ask.
This is really my life in first person.I haven't asked him the questions on my mind,and I'm really worried about my body. I'm worried about my mental state as well,because I feel like if I am pregnant from that one time we drifted off but stopped before anything further,I wouldn't tell him. I don't know exactly why but I feel like if he's really living some secret life separate from me,he doesn't deserve either of us.
